Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize