I faked an abortion last night.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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