sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
