Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize