i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
