I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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