She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize