U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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