I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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