Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
