chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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