it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
