I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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