I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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