can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
