just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
