It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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