finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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