It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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