last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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