Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
