I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
