Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
