i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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