Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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