I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
