dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
