i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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