Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
