k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
