they need to just BURY HIM!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
