and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
