Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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