The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
