My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
