Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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