my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
