i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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