I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
