i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
