This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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