Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
