Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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