VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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