im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
