I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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