you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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