i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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