Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
