I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
