I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
