I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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