One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
