Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
