i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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