Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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