dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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