no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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