I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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