i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
