dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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