Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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