i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
