Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize