I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the raccoons are back...
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